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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24111439">Butterflies Still Fly If Only in Our Dreams</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warriorbard2012/pseuds/Warriorbard2012'>Warriorbard2012</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supergirl (TV 2015)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/F, For the Secret Sanvers Mother’s Day Writing Challenge, Miscarriage, Mother’s Day, See notes for content warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 01:09:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,879</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24111439</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warriorbard2012/pseuds/Warriorbard2012</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex and Maggie deal with the lost of their baby and how to move forward when you lose someone that you barely got the chance to get to know.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>73</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Secret Sanvers Mother's Day Writing Challenge</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Butterflies Still Fly If Only in Our Dreams</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I’ve debated with myself on whether or not I wanted to share this story, because we usually think of Mother’s Day as a happy and joyful time to celebrate our mother’s and motherhood and this story isn’t any of those things. But then I got to thinking what about those Mothers for whom this day is painful and ugly and serves as a reminder of the child they lost or the baby they could never have.  They deserve to have their story told as well. This story is dedicated in their honor, and goes out to my own mother who had a miscarriage in between me and my brother and 2 after. Not a day goes by she says that she doesn’t think of them. </p><p>This story deals with the topic of miscarriage and I can for sure understand how this can be upsetting to some readers. Please feel free to give this story a skip. All mistakes are my own.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alex curled her knees to her chest, and sighed as she looked out the window. Light rain was falling and the sun was setting, casting everything in a dark pink glow. Normally Alex would have found the sight beautiful and relaxing but today, it just felt dark and gloomy and added to her mood. 
</p><p> The sounds of footsteps moving closer followed by the feeling of a hand on her shoulder signaled it was her wife, but Alex didn’t move to look at her. 
</p><p>“Alex?” Maggie whispered softly, the couch cushion dipping slightly as Maggie took a seat next to her. “Hey.” 
</p><p>“I’m fine, Maggie.” Alex’s tone was a bit harsh, but she couldn’t deal with Maggie’s sympathy or her pity. “I don’t want to talk about it.” 
</p><p> Maggie sighed and moved her hand into her lap. “Okay.” She whispered quietly. “Whatever you want.” 
</p><p> Alex heard her sniffle, and she knew that their news today had hurt her wife too, but she felt powerless to move, powerless to comfort. She was just so disappointed and angry and she didn’t know what to do with these emotions. So she said nothing, but continued to stare out the window. 
</p><p> Behind her Maggie sighed once more and wiped her eyes with her sleeve. She stood up, and stood there for a long moment before asking. “Are you hungry? I can order Chinese if you want?” 
</p><p> Alex shook her head, swallowing down the lump in her throat that made it hard to breath and she held back her tears. “No thank you. I’m not hungry.” She finally managed to say quietly. Feeling an animalistic need to hide and lick her wounds in private, she suddenly got up and turned to face her wife. She couldn’t meet her eyes so she said to the floor. 
</p><p>“I’m just really tired... I think I’ll go to bed. Good night Maggie.” She blurted out. Not waiting for a reply she quickly moved down the hall to their bedroom and shut the door behind her. She collapsed into bed, face first into the pillow. She didn’t care that she was still in her street clothes or that she was wearing her boots. Alex felt numb and tired, oh so tired. She closed her eyes and prayed for sleep. Sleep would help her forget the day, even for just a few hours. She just needed a few hours of rest, maybe then she would have the strength to face what had happened and what it meant for her... their future. She squeezed her eyes shut, and prayed over and over again, until mercifully she fell into an exhausted sleep.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p> Maggie still stood by the couch, feeling as though her feet had been glued to the floor. She didn’t know what to do, and everything she had tried just seemed to back fire in her face. Alex was in pain and there wasn’t anything that she could do about it. 
</p><p> Her phone started buzzing in her pocket and Maggie sighed as she dug it out. Kara’s picture flashed on the screen and for a moment, Maggie wanted to push ignore. She wasn’t ready to deal with the outside world yet. This was between her and Alex and it wasn’t anyone else’s business. But yet at the same time, Maggie didn’t know what to do to reach her wife, and maybe Kara would know what to do. Feeling overwhelmed, scared and angry, she hit the talk button and held the phone to her ear. 
</p><p>“Hello?” She said, knowing her voice had given away the fact that she had been crying. 
</p><p>“Maggie? What’s wrong?’ Her sister said, her usual perky tone dimming as she realized that something wasn’t right. 
</p><p>“Nothing... It’s just been a rough day that’s all.” 
</p><p>“Oh.” Kara said. “I was just calling to see if you and Alex wanted to come over for a game night tonight? I tried calling Alex first, but her phone was shut off.” 
</p><p>“Yeah, tonight is not a good Kara. I’m sorry. Tell the gang we love them and that we will see them next week. But today is not good for us.” 
</p><p> Kara was quiet for a moment, then she asked softly. “What happened?” 
</p><p> Maggie sighed and sat down on the couch, the weighted feeling in her stomach, growing until it felt like every part of her body was heavy as lead. 
</p><p> Maggie couldn’t say the words, they seemed to stick in her throat, robbing her of speech. Saying the words would make what happened real, and right now she didn’t want them to be real. How long had they been planning, dreaming and hoping? She let out a sob. 
</p><p>“I’m coming over.” Kara said. 
</p><p>“No Kara....” Maggie halfheartedly protested, but the words were lost in her tears. 
</p><p>“Don’t try to argue, Mags... I’ll be right there.” Kara replied, before hanging up. Maggie threw her phone onto the couch, buried her hands in her face and sobbed.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p> Kara flew in through the now opened window, closed it behind her and rushed over to Maggie’s side, pulling her into her arms. Maggie melted into her, wrapping her arms around her neck and booger bawling into her shoulder. Kara held her tightly, whispering comforting words and rubbing Maggie’s back  until she felt her sister in law start to calm down. 
</p><p> Maggie pulled away, wiping her eyes and reached for a tissue. She blew her nose loudly and then took a deep breath. Kara’s hand was still on her back and she looked up at the superhero with a sad expression. 
</p><p>“Sorry that I got your shirt a little wet.” Maggie said quietly. 
</p><p>“It’s okay, it will wash. Are you alright?” Kara asked, reaching for her hand. 
</p><p> Maggie shook her head no, feeling the tears start anew. “No... I’m not okay. It’s been a rough day. Alex...Alex is sleeping right now, or at least I pray she is.” 
</p><p>“Maggie.” Kara grabbed her sister in law by the shoulders and looked her in the eye. “Talk to me, what is going on?” 
</p><p> Maggie sighed. “You... You don’t know this but Alex and I have been trying to get pregnant for a while now. We’ve been through a few rounds of IVF and Alex took a pregnancy test four and a half months ago and it came back positive.” She smiled sadly. 
</p><p>“We was so excited, but we wanted to wait to tell anyone after we were sure that everything was okay. We...” Maggie's voice trailed off. She cleared her throat and tried again. 
</p><p>“We went to the doctor today, and everything is not okay....” Tears ran down Maggie’s cheeks as she struggled to say the words. “There was no heartbeat.”
</p><p>“Oh, Rao... Maggie.” Kara whispered softly, feeling her heart break for her family. “I’m so sorry.” 
</p><p>“Alex is devastated and I am too. I was really looking forward to having a kid you know?” She laughed bitterly and took another deep breath. “I’m just really worried about Alex. The worst part is that technically she is still pregnant and that according to the doctor the baby will pass in a few days. I don’t know what to do or how to help her.... ”  Panic was evident in her voice and Kara just hugged her tighter. 
</p><p> Maggie hugged her back, clinging to her. They were quiet for a long moment, then Maggie asked. “Can you call Eliza and bring her here? I think Alex is going to need her mom, and I need her too.” 
</p><p>“Of course. I’ll do that right now.” Kara said, giving Maggie one last squeeze before moving off of the couch. She retreated to the back patio and closed the door before calling Eliza’s number. 
</p><p>“Hey Sweetie.” Eliza’s voice was surprised but cheerful. “I haven’t heard from you in a while is everything okay?” 
</p><p> Kara took a breath. “No... No it’s not. Are you busy right now?” 
</p><p>“Not if you or your sisters need me. What’s going on?”
</p><p>“I’m coming to get you... I’ll explain on the way.” Kara said, before taking off into the sky.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p> Maggie heard the knock on the front door, and she rushed over to answer it. Eliza stood there, with Kara behind her, Eliza’s duffle bag in her hand, and Maggie fell into Eliza’s open arms. 
</p><p>“Thank you for coming.” Maggie said, into Eliza’s shoulder. 
</p><p>“Always... I will always come when you need me.” The Danvers’ Matriarch  said as she pulled back to look Maggie in the eye.
</p><p>“How are you?” She asked as Maggie let them in and Kara disappeared up the stairs to put Eliza’s bag away. 
</p><p>“I’m okay, well as best as I can be I suppose. Right now, I’m really worried about Alex. She won’t talk to me. When we got home, she just sat there on the couch staring out the window, before going to bed. I know I should give her some space, but I’m worried about what this will do to her mentally you know?” 
</p><p> Eliza nodded. “Let me see what I can do, okay?” She kissed Maggie’s forehead. 
</p><p>“Okay.” Maggie let out a breath. “I’m going for a walk, clear my head... do you want to come with me Kara?” She asked, seeing Kara hovering in the doorway. 
</p><p> The youngest Danvers sister nodded and Eliza watched them go out the door. She took a breath and then moved down the hall to Alex and Maggie’s bedroom. She knocked once, then twice and when she received no answer, she opened the door slowly.  The hall light streamed into the room, revealing the lonely figure on the bed. 
Eliza’s heart broke when she saw that Alex was asleep face first on the pillows, still fully dressed. Quietly she moved closer and began to unlace Alex’s boots. She slowly pulled off one boot then worked on the other. Alex shifted slightly in her sleep, but didn’t wake. 
</p><p> When Alex’s shoes were off, Eliza took off her own shoes and her coat and climbed into bed next to her daughter pulling her into her arms. 
</p><p> Alex stirred slightly, curling her body into her mother’s embrace as if sensing her presence. Eliza wanted to cry but she willed herself not too. Now was not the time for her grief, but time to be there for her daughter. Eliza held her for what seemed like hours, until finally Alex woke up. 
</p><p>“Mom?” Alex sounded confused as she opened her eyes and realized who was holding her. 
</p><p>“Hey, Sweetie.” Eliza said quietly, pushing a lock of hair out of Alex’s eyes. 
</p><p>“What... what are you doing here?” Alex asked, sitting up. She looked away from her mother not wanting to meet her eyes. She knew exactly why her mother was here. Everything came rushing back and she felt sick. Alex bit her lip to keep from crying out, as a rush of emotions hit her hard. 
</p><p>“Maggie had Kara come to get me. I think she knew that you would need me, and she needed me as well. She isn’t sure what to do or how to handle this and I think she’s afraid of making things worse.” 
</p><p> Alex laughed bitterly. “It is worse... It can’t get any better.” She shook her head then sighed as she put her head into her hands. 
</p><p>“Alex.” Eliza said softly reaching over a hand to rub her back. Alex flinched at the touch, but allowed Eliza to continue to touch her. A part of her wanted, no needed the comfort of her Mother’s physical touch, while the other loathed it feeling as if she didn’t deserve the gesture. She felt like all of this was her fault, and even though she knew as a doctor that sometimes these things just happened, she couldn’t help replaying everything in her mind and wondering what she did wrong. 
</p><p>“This is my fault.” She whispered softly. “I should have relaxed more, took things more slowly. Maybe...” 
</p><p>“You can’t drive yourself crazy with what if’s, Alex. You didn’t do anything wrong. Things just happen.” Eliza said. “But it doesn’t mean that they don’t hurt though.” 
</p><p> Alex looked up at her mother recognizing the tone in her voice. It was more than just sympathy but a memory. She wanted to ask about it, but couldn’t. So she settled for leaning against Eliza’s shoulder. She sighed heavily. 
</p><p>“The doctor said that the baby should pass naturally in a few days, and if not I’m supposed to come back and we can explore other options.” Alex whispered quietly. “J’onn’s given me the next week off, and Maggie’s Captain did the same. Can you stay with us? I... I don’t want to be alone.” 
</p><p>“Of course I will.” Eliza said, kissing Alex’s head. She held her close and they sat in silence for a long long while.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p> Maggie kicked at a rock on the ground, watching as it skipped along the broken sidewalk and into a sewer grate. The ball of emotions inside of her threatened to engulf her and she didn’t know what to do about it. 
</p><p> She felt Kara’s hand on her back as the other woman led her into Noonan’s. It was only then that Maggie realized that it had started to rain and she was beginning to be soaked. 
</p><p> Noonan’s was quiet but warm and Maggie stripped off her coat and hung it on the back of her chair as she waited for Kara to bring them some coffee. 
</p><p>“Here.” Kara said after a moment, making her look up in startlement from where she had been staring at the table. Her sister thrust a coffee cup into her hand, and Maggie took a small sip. 
</p><p>“Thank you.” Maggie said quietly. 
</p><p>“You’re welcome.” Kara replied, reaching for her hand. “I’m here for you, you know, if you want to talk or scream, or even just cry... I can’t imagine what you must be feeling right now.” 
</p><p>“I don’t know what to feel.” Maggie said quietly, cradling her coffee cup in her two hands. “A part of me just wants it to be over, so that we can move on, but yet I feel guilty for feeling that way. I mean this was our baby.” 
</p><p> She sighed and put her head down, then after a few seconds she raised it. “Can we go home? I need to be with Alex.” 
</p><p>“Of course.” Kara said, standing up. They walked in silence the whole back to their house and Kara waited quietly for Maggie to unlock the door. 
</p><p>“I’ll go make up the guest room for Eliza, if you need me.” Kara said, quietly. She gave Maggie a hug and then moved upstairs, leaving Maggie to walk down the hallway to their bedroom alone.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p> Eliza looked up at the shadow in the open doorway and smiled at her daughter in law, who was hovering, unsure if she should come in or not. Alex had fallen asleep once more and Eliza was grateful. Maggie came closer and sat on the end of her bed. 
</p><p>“Is she... is she okay?” 
</p><p>“No, but she will be.” Eliza said reaching out to take her hand. “How are you?” 
</p><p> Maggie shrugged, holding back tears. “I don’t know.” 
</p><p> Eliza pulled in her for a hug. “That’s okay. You don't feel any particular way right now.” She paused and gave Alex’s forehead a kiss. “Here. I’ll move.” 
</p><p>“No, you don’t have too.” Maggie said a bit nervously. “I... I’m not sure if she wants me to be around right now.” Maggie confessed quietly. 
</p><p>“Of course she does.” Eliza reassured her. “You are her wife.” 
</p><p> Maggie shrugged. “She wouldn’t even look at me in the car. I think she blames me somehow.” 
</p><p>“No I don’t.” Alex said quietly sitting up. “This isn’t your fault.” She held out her hand and Maggie took it quickly.  They stared at each other for a moment, trying to figure out what to say. 
</p><p> Eliza gently kissed both of their heads, and moved off of the bed, moving so Maggie could lay with Alex instead. “I’ll leave you alone. I’ll just be down the hall if you need anything.” She didn’t wait for an answer, but moved out of the room and closed the door behind her. She leaned against the wall for a moment, tears running down her face. Her heart broke for her daughters, and for the grandchild she would never know. Her hand moved up to clutch at the stone that hung around her neck. She rubbed her finger over the smooth black surface. She wondered if Jeremiah remembered their baby, or if Cadmus had taken that from him too. 
</p><p> Quietly she bowed her head, and whispered a prayer to a god she wasn’t sure she believed in anymore, and prayed for her daughters, her grandchild’s soul and for the soul of the baby she never knew. “Be at peace.” She whispered, before moving down the hall to deal with her own grief.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p> In the darkness of the room, Maggie laid stiffly on the bed, unsure of what to do. Just last night they had laid in the same position, and Maggie had cupped Alex’s belly while they discussed names and their future plans for the nursery. Now it seemed like a lifetime ago. That memory played over and over in Maggie’s mind mocking her. Alex seemed so far away, so sad, Maggie was afraid of making it worse. 
</p><p>“Maggie?” Alex said quietly, her voice a little hoarse from crying. 
</p><p>“Hmm?” Maggie bit her lip to keep from crying. She needed to be strong for Alex. Her own grief could come later and.... 
</p><p> Alex suddenly rolled over, looking her in the eye. The nightlight near the bathroom cast long shadows across her face. “This fucking sucks.” 
</p><p> Maggie felt a laugh bubble up in her chest at the expletive, but by the time it reached her lips, in came it as a weak sob. “It does.” 
</p><p>“It hurts so bad, Maggie. I just....” Alex’s voice trailed off into sobs, and Maggie couldn’t help but move to hold her. She wrapped her arms tightly around her wife, and she felt Alex’s arms come around her. They clung to each other, both known that the one place they would find shelter during this storm was here in each other’s embrace. 
</p><p>“I know, baby.” For one dreadful minute, Maggie wondered if the universe was punishing her for saying that she didn’t want to be a mom all of those years ago. But that was before.... before she knew that she wanted to be a mom with Alex. That by herself, she knew that she couldn’t do it on her own, but with Alex they could do anything. But now... Alex was right. Fuck. 
</p><p>“This was my fault.” Maggie said, the words falling from her mouth like stinging summer rain. “I did this.... I told the universe that I didn’t want to be a mom and now it’s coming to collect.” Her fist curled into Alex’s shirt. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” 
</p><p> The sobs came harder now, until she was practically wailing in Alex’s arms. She felt Alex’s lips against her cheeks, kissing the tears away, and Alex’s strong arms pull her closer until she was buried against Alex’s chest. 
</p><p> After her sobs quieted, embarrassment set in and she pulled away, “I’m sorry. I’m supposed to be comforting you.” 
</p><p> Alex shook her head. “We need to be comforting each other.” Her voice shook. “We lost our baby.” She put her hand on her stomach. Maggie looked at her for a long moment then with a shaking hand put her hand on top of Alex’s. “This isn’t anyone’s fault... shit happens.” Alex said softly, knowing the first step to believing something was to say it out loud. 
</p><p>“I was so excited you know.” Maggie said softly. “ I couldn’t wait to hold her or him.” 
</p><p>“Me too. I really couldn’t wait to wake up one morning to find you two passed out on the couch with the baby on your chest.” Alex gave her a sad smile. “You would have been a great mom.” 
</p><p> Maggie shrugged. “I don’t know....” She looked down at the bedspread and played with a loose thread. 
</p><p>“I do.” Alex replied. “Our kid would have been so lucky to have you as a mother. You would have been there to teach them how to cook, how to read, and how to be the best version of themselves.” 
</p><p>“You would have taught them science and math, protected them from bullies, and given them the best hugs.” Maggie said. 
</p><p> They were quiet for a moment, and Alex’s eyes were closed and for a long moment, Maggie thought that she had fallen asleep. But then Alex spoke, opening her eyes. 
</p><p>“I know we don’t know the gender, and we will probably never know, but I really want to name the baby Mali, like we talked about.” 
</p><p>“Okay.”  Mali meant wished for child in Welsh and had been one of the names they had talked about the night before. Maggie thought it was perfect, as their baby was definitely one they had wished for. She thought for a second. “Mali Rose.” 
</p><p>“Mali Rose Danvers.” Alex said, trying out the name. She took a deep breath. “That’s.... That’s perfect.” She looked so tired and so sad and it broke Maggie’s heart. 
</p><p>“You should try and get some rest love...” Maggie said, leaning over to kiss her head. Tomorrow they would have a few phone calls and arrangements to make for a memorial, but right now, they both were exhausted and needed to rest. 
</p><p> Alex nodded. “Stay with me.” She said, as she closed her eyes again. 
</p><p> Maggie pulled her close and wrapped her arms around her protectively. “I will... Always.” Maggie said, feeling the warmth of Alex’s breath against her chest. “I’ll never let you go.” And Maggie never did. 
</p><p> She kept her promise during the next few days and beyond. She was there to hold Alex’s hand, when the moment finally came, and their baby was born into this world, in a fit of blood and tears. Maggie was there with strong arms at the service when they added Mali’s name to a memorial stone near Jeremiah’s unused grave. 
</p><p> They held each other, months later, when Mother’s Day came and went, painful in it’s reminder that they were mothers but yet at the same time they weren’t.Soon other milestones passed by unmarked, but not forgotten as time moved on. It was a year later, when they sat drinking wine on their porch with Gertrude at their feet and made the hard decision to try again. 
</p><p> Maggie held Alex’s hand and her breath through every appointment hoping for the best, and dreading the worst, fearing that they would hear those words again each time the doctor lifted Alex’s shirt for a scan. Alex’s grip almost broke her hand, when their second baby, another girl was born into this world after 16 hours of labor with a loud cry. 
</p><p> When the doctor handed her over to them to hold for the first time, both Alex and Maggie exchanged a tear filled glance, taking a moment to remember a baby that they never got to hold, knowing that even among the joy the sorrow never truly went away, but remained underneath the surface, a memory gone, but never forgotten.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Let me know your thoughts on this chapter by leaving a comment below. Thank you for reading. </p><p>PS: Mali is pronounced like Molly. </p><p>Happy Mother’s Day! </p><p>This is the first of two stories I’m posting today and don’t worry the other is way less heavy than this one is, so stay tuned for that.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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